Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Irrelevant. Irrelevant Phrases.

Hair in rings
Rings on fingers
Fingers entangled
Entangled in a web
Web of wool
Wool not hands
Hands held
Held together with glue
Glue doesn't stick
Stick to your mind
Mind and not body
Body with warmth
Warmth after love
Love under sheets
Sheets of polyester
Polyester being
Being not Human
Human touch needed
Needed for faith
Faith lost on roads
Roads leading
Leading to a cabinet
Cabinet and not home
Home is the lack
Lack inside
Inside the polyester frame
Frame on the brick wall
Wall hit many times
Times of running
Running towards The Wall
The Wall of blood
Blood sister and brother
Brother in man
Man in absence
Absence in presence
Presence in abyss
Abyss in loss
Loss in faith
Faith needed
Needed like human touch
Touch of being
Being of polyester
Polyester sheets
Sheets and love
Love the absence
Absence of blood
Blood sister and brother.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Oh Mary!

Every Wednesday Mary went to Pink Room, a hip and popular club in the heart of the city. Her date was Fred, a lawyer friend around whom the complexities of sexual politics were sidelined as they soared high in pink twilight. It was in this very luminescent room that Mary saw John, who was accompanying two women and a man. Conversations happened and they engulfed each other with the warmth of ‘knowing’ and eliminating ‘complexities’ under the pink blanket of romance. Time flew by. Mary got close with John’s friends. The women were his sisters and the man, a co-worker.

Mary and John liked taking long walks in parks and early morning quiet roads. The silence made their voice loud and thoughts louder. Mary liked latching onto his fingers now and then. No matter where he moved, sat or walked. She kept her fingerscrossed and tightly tangled, and somehow got himself to like that. Before seeing in her eyes the assurance of finding ‘the One’, he had seen something else. One of those peaceful mornings when John and Mary were sitting beside the road on a cold wooden bench, Mary talked about her life. Her childhood, the motorcycle her father had and the innumerable rides she took on it late at night. She said,

“My father liked taking me to stranded places as well. On his dark grey Honda. We always went past 11:30.”

John replied, “11:30 PM? Isn’t that quite late? What did you do out so late?”

“Pretty much what we do in the light of day. My father and me, we talked. About how love works, how bicycles wear out and how much mother loves me.”

“That is still pretty late at night. For how long did you wander?”

“Oh! It was not that late, dear Time passed rather quickly in his warm and delightful company. I still cherish those nights.”

“Well, what else you did except talking?”

“We just talked, love!”

“All night?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then. Tell me more about the bike.”

“No.”

John saw her eyes change. They seemed to have turned night black from chocolate brown. The warmth of her entwined fingers went cold, and though John tried to get the grip, she pulled back her hand to make him fail. He assumed that she probably started missing her father who had been dead for 7 years now. So, he let her be.

Days passed and John was right, Mary had slipped into fried. She had a fragile mind after the appropriate amount of courting and anticipating John proposed and Mary, with all her innocent love, accepted. They were elated and announced the world of their love and marriage. They vowed before the formal vows to never lie. Mary had made him repeat one specific night,
“ ‘Mary, I will never ever ever lie to you’, repeat this three times John.”
And like an obedient lover, John did. “Mary, I will never ever ever lie to you. Mary, I will never ever ever lie to you. Mary, I will never ever ever lie to you.”
Mary leapt at him and held him in her embrace. She was happy. Really truly happy. She had the perfect job, the perfect man with the perfect job perfect!
---------------
Madge was dating an older man, of nearly forty. Though she liked the stimulating and challenging sex life, but he never took her on motorcycle rides like her father did when she was young. So, Madge put on her hottest dress, revealing her luscious curves and drove to the nearest biker-pub downtown. The nearest one was 25 kilometers from John’s posh and sophisticated neighborhood. Over there she was able to be her youthful exciting self. Weekly appearances made her the pub’s favorite singer. She would climb up the bar-top and perform hottest and demanding numbers. That is exactly when Madge caught James’ eyes. Madge’s voice filled the room with enthusiasm and exhilarated James’ wishful heart. Not too long after that night did Madge followed James to his house. James was the perfect man for her. He had the perfect body and the perfect bike! Just perfect. One day James brought some top-grade California hybrid, which elevated him and Madge to impossible levels. In that ecstasy they swam all night and until the next afternoon. But the ‘trip’ didn’t last very long, as Madge had to go back to the older man in her life, John. Who she had escaped from lying about a visit to her relatives.
---------------
As soon as Mary reached home from her sister’s place, she hugged John and went on and on about how much she missed him. And she really did, her heart anticipated his phone calls. Settling down John asked her,

“How was the stay, love?”

“”Oh God! All I could do was miss you. All day I could keep lying in the bed, waiting for it to smell like you.”

“Aww dear! I missed you very much too. Anyways, how is your sister?

“I don’t remember much. I even had a headache this morning. Just hold me and enquire all this later.”

And the loving husband that he was, John followed. They sat in each other’s embrace all night people wondered and envied their love, which refused to diminish despite 15 years of matrimony. But only John knew, the small battles they fought whose memory retained only in his life. It was like they were walking parallel paths, which intersected often, but Mary had no memory of them. So, whenever she came complaining about a headache, John held her till it went away, knowing she would have no recollection whatsoever.  It had all began that morning on the bench when Mary talked about her father for the first and last time. He tired asking her again about his death, and neither did the conversation last long nor did she remember it few hours later. This is how it went -

“Mary, you never did tell me about your father’s death.”

“I didn’t?” Mary replied rather reluctantly.

“No, never. I heard he had a terrible accident. Case of hit and run.”

“The papers said he was murdered.”

A surprised John asked, “What! When? How old were you?”

“I was 20. Late at night. While he was on his motorcycle.”

“Oh God! Were you with him when this happened? Did you see?”

A blank silence followed this and the three more questions John had asked. Mary was cold again and he decided to stop there. Forever. But that night also took away one of the things John had deeply loved in her, her singing. Mary never sang to him anymore saying she was never good anyways and had almost forgotten all harmony. John was disheartened and promised himself never to ask of her father again.
But tonight when she came back with a headache after a two-day visit John felt worried and scared of what unmentionable and irrevocable thing had she gotten herself into. so he decided to find out where she goes when she does next.
---------------
Madge had been yearning for James. The twenty-something who made the twenty year old Madge feel divine and unstoppable. Freedom had not been the same for Madge, it never is for girls. So with James, Madge was liberated and free. Yearning and craving for the exhilaration as she reached his doorstop. Madge had again told John that the relatives needed her help with some housework. Seeing James her heart skipped a beat, the excitement took over her body as she shuddered for his tight grip. His weight over her body thrusting in the magnificent dreams and juices he had made her addicted to. The smell of their bodies filled the room.  They had not exchanged a single word, knowing the honesty and motives behind their meetings. The friction was still radiating heat when a banging was heard. They ignored too absorbed in each other’s enigma they swam higher and higher. The banging continued on the door, but they couldn’t give the smallest attention to it. The loud noise finally stopped. James and Madge both sat up as they heard footsteps coming to the room. Madge pulled the sheet over her breasts trying heard to be decent, until she saw the man staring at her from the room’s door.
---------------
John had followed Mary to see whether she was getting herself in trouble. He had been terribly worried since the last visit. Hours getting erased were affordable, but entire days getting lost terrified him. So this time when Mary said that her sister needed her, John decided to take care of her quietly without being too loud of encroaching in his pursuit. The pursuit brought him to a man’s house which he saw Mary entering. After no response or movement for half and hour, he decided to enter and assure her safety. He picked a baseball bat before leaving the car, as he had no idea of what he was walking into. He really had no idea that he would be standing and staring at his forty-year old wife, covering her breasts in bed with a very young man. John saw Mary, with her pupils dilated and hair tied. Mary never tied her hair. The first shock that took over him was not seeing her in another man’s bed, but the trouble he had recognizing her. Her face was distorted by unknown expressions, she never lifted her eyebrows like that nor did she ever paint her lips bright ink. Somehow the woman he had married was lost in this seemingly younger lookalike. But he knew it was her. He had followed her there. After taking time to grasp the condition she was in and with whom, John dropped the baseball bat and screamed,

“OH MARY!”
---------------
The sight of an unfamiliar man freaked James out. Moreover, that man was screaming somebody else’s name. Being of the reckless youth that he was, James reached for his drawer where he kept a small revolver, bought with the help of some biker friends. Whereas this other man kept screaming,

“OH MARY! OH MARY! OH MARY!”

Raising the tempo with every shout. James was petrified now and in a moment of fear took the revolver out pointing towards the stranger. Madge on the other hand didn’t understand why was John calling her ‘Mary’. Sure they had started spending very little time together now, and she didn’t even remember most of it but he can’t forget possibly her. Finally she spoke,

“John! This is MADGE not MARY. Don’t you remember me?”

But she was too late; James already had the gun pointed at John.

John’s screaming quiet down when he saw the gun facing him. He slowly bent down to pick up the bat again. The guy in the bed was palpitating. John knew he didn’t have it in him to shoot. So he held the bat in his hand and started moving towards the man with his wife, in order to get rid of the gun. He kept shouting, “I will shoot you, man!” John couldn’t care less; he had anyways lost the love of his life to an abyss of multiplicity. He kept moving forward, and then the shot. The trembling man did have it in him to fire, and so he did in John’s stomach. Instead of falling immediately, John took a blow at him and so did James.
---------------
Madge sat beside John she saw the blood in her hands, James’ was still splattered in her back. Her naked body was trying to hard to caress and gather the almost lifeless body of John. Right before closing his eyes John saw Mary’s eyes change to the one’s he fell in love with. And he saw the twenty year old vanishing. The one who hadn’t aged a day since her father was killed in front of her. The one who was young and thirsty. He saw her leave, and the warmth of his wife’s body finally arriving and soothing him. Right before he could close his eyes, Mary screamed,

“JOHN!!”

And the man, caked in his own blood sighed with great affection,


“Oh Mary! You really never lied.”

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Language.

Speak
In words from any language.
In my ears and not in front of my lips.
In their sound, be your breaths
In their music, be your diction. That special way
In which only your tongue rolls.
In whose syllables, only you gasp. And when done
In speed, they wet your lips.
In your special way. Just yours.
Into my ears, play with sounds of your language.
In process, start speaking like you would to who understood.
In musical harmony let them flow. Soon
In this euphoria, tell me of love. How it is to be
In love, do that with the thunder and thrill of it. Falling
In love, show that with your hands, demonstrating.
In it, tell me of loss. Of deceit
In life and love, as I feel your voice heavier. Shift
In to your comfort. I understand not a word. But
In a rendezvous as such, I’d rather not. Don’t touch me yet, I am
In the same world as yours. I feel the depth and color
In which you slept and dreamt. The stories and their necessity
In your being. Tell me more as I sit.
In my ears and not in front of my lips.
In words from any language.
Speak.



(I feel love better when I am not in-love)
:)

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Drugs.

It has been long since I wrote anything for myself. Not for an assignment or to know if I have a creative capability. I haven't broken down andstretched out to the keyboard impulsively hitting keys to form words which came uninhibited. I am not feeling anything in particular, but I do feel lonely. No, lonely is sad. Alone is better. I can sit in long auto rides without music or messaging, just looking outside or even at the mirror not thinking of anything or anyone in particular. Maybe my disposition has altered or transformed, maybe i have taken change too honestly or maybe I stopped finding beauty in little humane actions. Whatever it may be, but I have changed. And there is one thing I miss the most.



Dopamine. 
Reaching out. Not too far. Right across.
Just few inches. Arms with hands. Fingers.
Slowly. Coyly. Perfectly. To me. Near me.
Into me.

Serotonin.
Unaware I was. Until. Until now. Tonight.
Arms crossed. Torso heavy. Swift movements.
Pressed breasts that hurt. Not too much. Not too little.
Just perfect.

Endorphines.
Breaths. Heavy and loud. In my ear. Faster.
Rapid and lavish. Wet and warm. Feet with toes.
Toes wrestling. Hair falling. Breaking. On the sheet.
On me.

Amandamide.
Sweet sweat. Pearls. Droplets. Or whatever.
But bliss. Inner-body experience. Echoes.
Of voices and laughter. Not momentory. Will stay like you.
Will you?

Monday, 9 September 2013

Sunshine.

You know how the sun feels in winters? The warm touch of sunshine, how it moves and dwindles on the body, like fingers following contours and tracing borders and corners of your skin. Its soft presence is like feeling someone's eyes you when you talk and laugh. Feeling their eyes on your laughter, on your lips, eyes and face. Even how your hands move, how animated they get and how you move your shoulders. Sunshine is like that lover, who is coy and shy. Who doesn't want to announce it's presence, but softly whisper it in your ear. Softly arrive near you, like sunshine travels on your body from toes to forehead. Leaving these warm traces, filling the pores of skin with a soft goodness. How you keep stepping under it, need it so you can spend the night. Take your hand to it often, just to assure that it's there,  on you and near you.

You know how sun feels in summers? The sharp scorching presence, not good at all. Its discomfort and hurt. How fast it creeps up and how late it leaves. Though just as its about to set, there is a sense of missing it. Missing that sharpness and strength to clinch. Sunshine in summers illuminates. It sends you inside, makes you get locked in cool places and stay with just yourself. Think before stepping out, and prepare for a struggle. But there is a pleasure in that ruthlessness, it armors you. Makes you walk a little faster and move little closer. It makes you smile in that sudden shade of a tree, and praise yourself for the smallest endeavors. Its intensity makes you powerless, and move to its will. And you appreciate. Because sunshine is benevolent, its enlightening and unlike night, doesn't make you feel lonely.


You, my love are like sunshine.

Sunday, 8 September 2013

Banana and Cornflakes.

12/05/10

Banana and cornflakes.
My mother believed this was the healthiest breakfast I could ever eat. Yes, those definite hyperbole are intended, because that was her conviction, and it was contagious. And today I am reminded of a story. One from childhood, when the likes of us were different, placed on corners and lived only on margins. But I didn't know all this then, I was 13, I know it is not too young, but age is always comparative. So is feeling old. You always feel old 'compared' to how you were, or what you were. So, I was 13 and I had a sister who was 4. It is a story which only this diary can hear, because I believe in not telling real stories to people, the pretension of understanding and the burden of melancholia gets too confining for me. And you never know how they see you after it.

Early summer, when its not excruciatingly hot, but the sun realizes the strength of its warmth and switches slowly onto heat. Just between that transition, that's where the day was. Banana and Cornflakes, again, like every other day. Yes, I was bored, my sister didn't understand much to object, it somehow tasted sweet, so she liked it. Slight drizzle of honey, sliced bananas, cornflakes and the right amount of milk, it was like an art that my mother had mastered. This was probably the thing she could make, only thing she was able to make. Only thing she was allowed to make. My father had dictated the menu to her right after they got married. Married. Yes. It was one of the days which are deceptively pleasant. Deceptively hopeful and swift cheaters. 
Breakfast and then we left. Mother might have stayed back and addressed her wounds from the night. Though I didn't understand why, but she always walked crippled in morning, like her legs were separated by a barbed club. I know better now. My parents were not the kind  they made on boxes of cornflakes. The happy kind sitting around the table and enjoying breakfast and all those god forsaken meals. There were always five people, five different entities, separated by walls of their temper and convictions. Me with my disagreement of everything and the boredom of it too. My sister, with her newly formed language and penchant for sweetness. My father with his encroaching hands and feet. My mother with her loss and morning pains. And my mother's illness.
We had breakfast and left. Did whatever 'normal' kids do in school and came back. There was no light, just like the time when I saw mother stuffing my sister into the cupboard. Just like the time when I heard my sister laugh while she was doing it. Just like the time when I saw my father's bloodied knuckles for the first time. Just like the time when I first wet my pants, out of sheer fear. Fear is always of the unknown. Not of heights, depths, darkness or spaces. It's always of the unknown. And in 13 years of age, I had understood that fear. So, as I entered the dark house which haunted every nerve in my body, I looked across and forward. Moving ahead, hoping I would find my sister and take her away with me. I could hear loud breathing, anticipating the terrible.
"I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you. I see you."
I heard my mother scream this repetitively from her room, and as I entered I couldn't see who she was saying this to. My father was right there but she wasn't saying this to him, if she was he wouldn't have been grabbing her hair and shouting a louder "Shut Up!" after every "I See You". The voices got louder and louder, from the room it filled the house. From the house to possibly the street and my fucking soul.
"I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU. I SEE YOU.."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
The room started vibrating and father's grip got stronger, he really did want her to shut up, and maybe she really was seeing someone. But the floor was trembling beneath my feet and my sister was sitting in the corner crying and wailing. She too wanted them to stop. My father's patience was on the edge, and my mother...she really was seeing someone. The voices kept getting louder, and in my head they created a crises, a life endangering situation for myself and my sister. And that's when the survival instinct kicked in.

And then after a loud bang the noises stopped, and all I could hear was my fathers panting. Mother didn't see or speak anything after that. I found out that day, the rage in my father's eyes was not anger or a sadistic demon, it was fear. He dictated the menu because he never trusted her enough. He was not the reason for those bruises. He was not the one banging on the bed. the blood on his knuckles was the left over of a bloodied arm. The reason for his absence was not me. The death of my mother was not on him.

I woke up very late the next morning, head hurting like it does after a very long and very bad dream. There was still some smell of blood coming from my pare..father's bedroom. Ignoring that. Ignoring that what I had realized will turn my life into a constant battle for the blurred line between sanity and insanity. Ignoring that the mother from whom I got my beliefs, believed in something else altogether. I left everything to be thought about later, or never. Went to the kitchen, and saw my sister sitting on the table. Her tiny chair, her small figure. She looked at me hoping I would already have the answer for what she wanted to ask. So I asked,
"You hungry?"
"Yes."
"What do you want?"
And in her broken language she replied,
"Banana and cornflakes."

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Tattered Once.

I had a father before I had a mother.
My father stayed with us.
Loved me very much.
Never held me close
Or stretched out the way for me.
Never pushed me
But made me walk on my own
On my own paths
And plant lovely trees on that path.
Trees and flowers that I would like.
Mother came later.
She didn't talk much.
But taught me things which are always remembered
Things that are firsts.
She loved me in her own way
I know she did.
Because my father loved her very much
And she loved father very much.
They were happy.
It made me happy.
I looked and painted
Painted a picture of how my love
Would be. My love, like them.
With flaws, but complete.
Never too much.
Never too little.
I grew up seeing and loving them
Together, never apart. For decades.


They are not together anymore
Like all grown-ups
They say their reasons are well
Well and good for each other
The love is there
And the loss isn't too grand.
Might be together again, he said
Ask him first. she said.
But I saw them since I began to see.
Now like a broken glass
They hurt my eyes and mind
Their edges are piercing my eyes
What together soothed
Separated is fatal.
They say its all well
But my world is shook like hell.
The painted picture is now ripped
And its tattered pieces I hold in my arms
Running to the love I now have,
Hoping we could fix it together.
Tattered once, but hopefully complete.
Our painting, together.