21 and Passion.

I will  be turning 21 this year, though my birthday is pretty fucking far but Anjali's isn't and it almost feels the same. '21' its pretty big, shadiyan kardete hain maa baap kayi ladkiyo ki, we are 'legally' allowed to attempt and exploit all the things that we are already done with. This is the age we fantasized about as young 15 year olds, being the certified grown-up. The age when you are really old enough to make fun of school kids having sex or boys in 11th attempting flirtatious passes. You are 21 now, and the fact that Bunty aur Babli was released EIGHT FREAKING YEARS ago makes you feel older. But the likes of me have always felt older. When I was 16, I always felt like a 20 year-old but obviously its amusing to think now, given the marvelous endeavors we take on teenagers. Oh yes, teenage is gone, it has been two years since you shooed it away. 21 means that the plans which you were socially engineered to implement, the 'plan' which has to clever and quick, should ensure a safe and good job, good bank balance and a possible groom. All this needs to set in motion from now on. But really, I feel even more liberated, I am a graduate now, that degree MUST HAVE, I have that now, and except the unlimited expectations and their burden we have on ourselves, nothing really binds me to do whatever the fuck I want. I can be like those cool carefree rich kids, who choose to travel and see the world for an year and then decide what they want, where they plan on going and how will they reach there. I can also sit and read for an year or two, but honestly I always found living through books rather vacant. If you don't have the experiences to let your mind run wild and feel enriched, how can you scent it with the journeys a book takes you on. And then I can probably get out there in the world (as my brother is suggesting) and work. Work and find my niche, lift every rock until I find my personal gem and see how dirty structures function. But I am not interested and already have an idea about the flaws of this shallow society.

There are quite a few things I have learnt till now, about life in general and through my education, which I can never thank enough. I have learnt that sex is sex. Its not love making, its not some epiphanic moment after which you want to spend your life with someone, its hormones, and they work beautifully and put your mind in one of the most exotic naturally induced highs. The stupid pretentious arrangement around it, in order justify some strange social construction of morality is what MOST young people call love. But I have experienced love, and I know its very different and sometimes you actually want to keep the carnality of sex away from that sanctified emotion because you don't trust yourself enough (but that's my issue). Love is not rosy, FUCK EVERYONE who think love is rosy and gorgeous and the meaning of life. They are side bars, that help you get through, and some people actually manage moving with no support WITHOUT being suicidal or terribly depressed. I have a couple of people I love, and my longest affair has been with my wife. We are set for life. No two ways about it. We are not scared (except sometimes), we know we are always going to be there, like internet and music. Which despite millions of earthquakes and heartbreaks you still turn towards. I have a man, who I love deeply and wish him all the love in the world, I don't want to possess him. Fuck, I am not so shallow, I value my relationship too much to actually taint it with stupid neurosis. I know he will be there, even if not like music and internet.

I have learnt that passion is the most important thing. Fuck whatever has been said about the fucking right path with all the stupid bulbs and streetlights and men with their Oedipus complex. Fuck all that. Passion is the essence of life. Screw everyone who said anything else. It could be writing, studying literature and finding the complexities of cultures untangle in front of you. It could be sketching or persuading people to buy or knowing how to sell. It could be humor or cooking, fucking or singing. Even running or skipping, sitting quietly on benches or solitude. Its all about finding your god damn passion and living in a struggle to fill yourself with it. BUT most passions don't pay, then find a boring job which makes enough money for you to be independent, then spend all that on it. I am still striving to get my head and hands in literature despite several failures, but FUCK THEM, they are all trivialities. I have learnt that screwing everything that ever bothers or bothered you makes you very happy.

And I have learnt that being alone is not SAD, its choosing AGAINST what the world and multiple sociological factors have decided for you. Being alone, is not lonely, its pretty relaxing rather, because you don't have those animal like sexual and social politics happening all the fucking time on every fucking phone call.

I have also learnt that words are beautiful, and I will spend my life to do right by them.