Its a cycle, a dark thorny cycle of cruel monotonous events. I would wake up every morning, half dreamy half scared. Nightmare and dreams are like drugs, one learns to feed on them. I have been a vivid dreamer, daydreaming monsters and animals in a cabin. From late night escapes to early morning comfort. People who indulge in daydreaming seem lonely. But he wasn't lonely, he was successful and ambitious, people swarmed around him. His ways with women were unorthodox, but they worked. How amazing can someone be in this game, this art, coping up with surreal needs! Though understanding this 'hero complex' in him was not hard, but he carried it beautifully.
I believe we fell in love, for some time maybe. But I remember I did. It was not perfect, when is anything ever perfect, maybe in the imaginary world where reciprocation is never unequal. He had a warm and superior air about him. Feeling of inferiority around those you are not competitive with, can be disturbing.
I'd wake up every other morning, feeling lesser and menial, it was those dreams I had. One after the other, the way all this affects is unexpected. He would not say anything, rather laugh at my jokes, listen to my blabbering with sheer amazement, make fun with/of me and give the most beautiful kisses. Unusual things are felt when you are insecure. The most trivial things, they grow, expand inside you and alter. Alters emotions, alters behavior and increases the defense.
I take him to meet a man. A man who has been a part of me and my conscious. I believed I loved him, with all I had. Grown apart by different cities and many years, that man and me held unusual places in each others life. I had taken my superior partner to meet him for no relevant reason, it has been years and I have been happy, so probably I desired an amalgamation of past and present. How foolish! We reach, I see my ex-lover sitting and waiting. Before I approach him my mind goes into flashback. Every little thing was now standing in front of me, a little pendant, a notebook, childhood cards, reminiscence of an innocent, naive love. But i shake myself and move forward to introduce him. Looking much older than when I saw him last, the ex greets and smiles. Just then, after that instant, like a flash, he pushed me aside and started shouting.
He called me names. Names I never expected to be heard from worst of my enemies.
He mocked me, grabbed me and shook me. I had gone deaf, I just saw jaws moving and eyes widening.
He went on and on. The reminisces, they fell one by one, vanished like smoke.
He took my hand and made me stand in front of the man I had brought to see him. I tried looking in his eyes, wondering if his touch is still that warm.
Vacant. Everything.
We left our ex and left. I tried grabbing his hand, but he shook it off. I tried reaching out to him, but he shrugged me away. He called his friends and told them about the things my ex had told him about me. I was standing right in front of him. RIGHT in front. He went on. Then he went quiet, probably his friends were calling me names too.
I had known that I didn't deserve him, I had known he was superior, but we managed so many years together that I forgot about the complex. I asked to put the phone down. He did.
We were now at the airport, he took his jacket off from me and started walking away.
Just before leaving he said, "You don't deserve me." He was very polite, and smooth. The hand on my shoulder still felt comforting. I had seen that coming. It was obvious. But still I sat in the waiting lounge, wondering what had gone wrong.
I wake up with a jerk, a shock and a pain in the chest. It was 7 am and my alarm would go off in 10 more minutes. Was I glad it was a dream? Was I relieved that none of it was real?
But such dreams have always moved me, made me do things that I won't even think of attempting.
That was some day, and now, I sit in a cabin, trying to daydream some monsters and animals. Every morning I wake up with either a nightmare or a forgotten dream.
I believe we fell in love, for some time maybe. But I remember I did. It was not perfect, when is anything ever perfect, maybe in the imaginary world where reciprocation is never unequal. He had a warm and superior air about him. Feeling of inferiority around those you are not competitive with, can be disturbing.
I'd wake up every other morning, feeling lesser and menial, it was those dreams I had. One after the other, the way all this affects is unexpected. He would not say anything, rather laugh at my jokes, listen to my blabbering with sheer amazement, make fun with/of me and give the most beautiful kisses. Unusual things are felt when you are insecure. The most trivial things, they grow, expand inside you and alter. Alters emotions, alters behavior and increases the defense.
I take him to meet a man. A man who has been a part of me and my conscious. I believed I loved him, with all I had. Grown apart by different cities and many years, that man and me held unusual places in each others life. I had taken my superior partner to meet him for no relevant reason, it has been years and I have been happy, so probably I desired an amalgamation of past and present. How foolish! We reach, I see my ex-lover sitting and waiting. Before I approach him my mind goes into flashback. Every little thing was now standing in front of me, a little pendant, a notebook, childhood cards, reminiscence of an innocent, naive love. But i shake myself and move forward to introduce him. Looking much older than when I saw him last, the ex greets and smiles. Just then, after that instant, like a flash, he pushed me aside and started shouting.
He called me names. Names I never expected to be heard from worst of my enemies.
He mocked me, grabbed me and shook me. I had gone deaf, I just saw jaws moving and eyes widening.
He went on and on. The reminisces, they fell one by one, vanished like smoke.
He took my hand and made me stand in front of the man I had brought to see him. I tried looking in his eyes, wondering if his touch is still that warm.
Vacant. Everything.
We left our ex and left. I tried grabbing his hand, but he shook it off. I tried reaching out to him, but he shrugged me away. He called his friends and told them about the things my ex had told him about me. I was standing right in front of him. RIGHT in front. He went on. Then he went quiet, probably his friends were calling me names too.
I had known that I didn't deserve him, I had known he was superior, but we managed so many years together that I forgot about the complex. I asked to put the phone down. He did.
We were now at the airport, he took his jacket off from me and started walking away.
Just before leaving he said, "You don't deserve me." He was very polite, and smooth. The hand on my shoulder still felt comforting. I had seen that coming. It was obvious. But still I sat in the waiting lounge, wondering what had gone wrong.
I wake up with a jerk, a shock and a pain in the chest. It was 7 am and my alarm would go off in 10 more minutes. Was I glad it was a dream? Was I relieved that none of it was real?
But such dreams have always moved me, made me do things that I won't even think of attempting.
That was some day, and now, I sit in a cabin, trying to daydream some monsters and animals. Every morning I wake up with either a nightmare or a forgotten dream.
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