See this,
Twenty two year old piece of flesh,
Palpitating in my hand.
They, the previous owners kept it in a funny looking box.
The box was warm.
It had a hundred holes,
But it was warm.
I began with a poem, but a gap of 24 hours and rigorous workout disintegrated my thoughts. What I was writing about was my heart and how it seems to be in a cold strange place. Ofcourse there is the heat that keeps it alive, but the palpations don't vary too much and are neither excited. The memory of past love and warmth keeps it going and maybe, just maybe it's the refusal to step out of that past which is causing me such dullness and distress. The point I am trying to make is that I feel a perpetual melancholia haunting my days. The bags under my eyes are an evidence. Despite great love and a few very good friends, I feel sad. Most nights I sit pondering why and others I try to be ignorant. Ignorance isn't really helpful. And all that pondering did give a result.
I am afraid. Afraid of being distanced even an inch from the people I have. A loving brother, a partner for life, a hilarious mother and a couple (2-3) friends hold the key to my sanity. And since I was very harshly disappointed in forming any new relationships in this new place I go to, I am heavily dependent on the ones that define me. The fear of being sent away even an inch from their hearts terrifies me, because if I cannot pick up the phone or board a rickshaw to the nearest solace I will slip into an abyss unknown even to me. The thing is, I love them too much and the knowledge of them loving me just as much as a life-savior but when your personal space is so pleasantly decorated with the most beautiful embellishments one could imagine, you begin to fear even the slightest blow of wind. Crossing your heart and fingers, hoping they don't get washed away by the harshest rain you hold them very close and wrap them keeping them as safe as possible. Hopefully I am not yet on the verge of suffocating them, but it did get there through irrelevant fights and accusations. Being alone is an enjoyable experience when after days or weeks of isolation you can go and tell someone about it. It's the richness of memories in every corner of this city that makes my walking alone empowering and not depressing. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone and even want to travel so, meeting new people and all but lately a realization hit me that 'home' is instrumental to my happiness. All of my happiness. 'Home' being the people I mentioned, without them, rain is depressing and winters harshfully cold.
I don't have anything left to say. I feel selfish wanting to tuck them in a drawer and lock it forever, but the heart can afford to love only few. And few are all here, the people outside who I considered loving have been disappointing too many times and I want my love safe...in these few. As I wait for some security to kick in, I hope I don't lose track of sensibility as for some reason this distress is taking great toll on me.
This is quite calming though:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVGgGW1ZalY
Twenty two year old piece of flesh,
Palpitating in my hand.
They, the previous owners kept it in a funny looking box.
The box was warm.
It had a hundred holes,
But it was warm.
I began with a poem, but a gap of 24 hours and rigorous workout disintegrated my thoughts. What I was writing about was my heart and how it seems to be in a cold strange place. Ofcourse there is the heat that keeps it alive, but the palpations don't vary too much and are neither excited. The memory of past love and warmth keeps it going and maybe, just maybe it's the refusal to step out of that past which is causing me such dullness and distress. The point I am trying to make is that I feel a perpetual melancholia haunting my days. The bags under my eyes are an evidence. Despite great love and a few very good friends, I feel sad. Most nights I sit pondering why and others I try to be ignorant. Ignorance isn't really helpful. And all that pondering did give a result.
I am afraid. Afraid of being distanced even an inch from the people I have. A loving brother, a partner for life, a hilarious mother and a couple (2-3) friends hold the key to my sanity. And since I was very harshly disappointed in forming any new relationships in this new place I go to, I am heavily dependent on the ones that define me. The fear of being sent away even an inch from their hearts terrifies me, because if I cannot pick up the phone or board a rickshaw to the nearest solace I will slip into an abyss unknown even to me. The thing is, I love them too much and the knowledge of them loving me just as much as a life-savior but when your personal space is so pleasantly decorated with the most beautiful embellishments one could imagine, you begin to fear even the slightest blow of wind. Crossing your heart and fingers, hoping they don't get washed away by the harshest rain you hold them very close and wrap them keeping them as safe as possible. Hopefully I am not yet on the verge of suffocating them, but it did get there through irrelevant fights and accusations. Being alone is an enjoyable experience when after days or weeks of isolation you can go and tell someone about it. It's the richness of memories in every corner of this city that makes my walking alone empowering and not depressing. Don't get me wrong. I like being alone and even want to travel so, meeting new people and all but lately a realization hit me that 'home' is instrumental to my happiness. All of my happiness. 'Home' being the people I mentioned, without them, rain is depressing and winters harshfully cold.
I don't have anything left to say. I feel selfish wanting to tuck them in a drawer and lock it forever, but the heart can afford to love only few. And few are all here, the people outside who I considered loving have been disappointing too many times and I want my love safe...in these few. As I wait for some security to kick in, I hope I don't lose track of sensibility as for some reason this distress is taking great toll on me.
This is quite calming though:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVGgGW1ZalY
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