Happily Devoid.

I am no longer conflicted. The conflict between my changing nature and what I thought was comfortable is now gone, disappeared. There is always this transitional period, where you feel a discomfort and then you are confused, you try and convince yourself to go back to comfort, that state of being at ease because everything comes easily. But no, now I am at peace and resolved I would like talk about the three stages Elaine Showalter mentions in her essay, she talks about the three stages through which a woman (as a writer) goes through; Feminine, Feminist and Female. Feminine (these are now a very personal interpretation of the stages) being as simple as confining yourself to the norms and accepted realms of the patriarchal order, you talk how a woman is supposed and how it has been presented. In television or in any popular influential medium, its a struggle where you are trying to be an image of the perfect woman with fragile, 'cute' or 'sweet' characteristics that enable the infantalization of a woman as a child or 'baby'. Well, I don't recall going through this struggle, but I must have, because its impossible to move into the Feminist without visiting the Feminine. Feminist is the woman who has learned to hate men, everything, every action and every word from their mouth is sought to be bashed and criticized  Well, I am actually very well familiar with this one. And then the Female, when you are at peace with yourself and subtly change the world around you. Me, I am somewhere stuck in between the Feminist and the Female.
Anyhow, except this confusion, I am actually quite clear and sorted, for a change. I have made a decision. I don't feel the lack of men in my life. I won't mock the ways I had in other people, but I am extremely happy devoid of any strong masculine presence in my life (except brothers). Earlier, during this process, I thought I was sad and hopeless about men, therefore I must have started feeling this detachment from the structured gendered relationships. But now that the transition is done, and I am comfortable with the idea, I find myself extremely pleased. So much so, I don't even miss the warmth I was so obsessed with. I might heartily welcome a partner IF it ever comes across, but as for now my life and current discourse is minus ANY man and what a bliss it is. There is so much effort women put into these tiring so-called relationships, so have I. But it seems foolish now, to waste so much time, even men for that matter. There are people  I know who would rather do something productive with their time than waste it over convincing their girlfriends. Relationships are and have always been overrated, and oh how much of myself I had assigned to these till some time back.
While thinking of this, I tried recalling movies that had successful YOUNG women who are happily indulged in their careers and have absolutely no regard for a masculine presence in their lives. Many came into my head, but they are old. Like Devil Wears Prada and...i go blank, so I ask my friend, she says the same and Sex and the City, but that is FULL of women getting in and out of relationships, well with the slight exception of Samatha Jones. Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love maybe a good example. So now I gather my thoughts and try and recall happy or successful men without women, so many! Greatest example Godfather, what women? where women? whose women? All the mafia movies don't even bother in the first place. Shawshank Redemption, Pulp Fiction, Taxi Driver, Captain Sparrow in initial parts of Pirates of the Carrebean, you think of the greatest movies ever made, and you will find men in it paying no or very less regard to the women in their lives and still continuing satisfactorily. But women in particular are obsessed with being dependent on men, even if its for some entertainment. They cannot imagine themselves without either brooding over men or obsessing over men. The sheer nature of dependency is so well rooted that imagining a structure that is anyhow functioning with absence of masculinity, is unimaginable and many will probably typecast a lot of women for doing so.
But I shall shift my 'reading' of the structure of relationships to a more personal post. So yes, this stereotype was so well rooted in me that I started feeling that probably there is something wrong in me, or maybe I was actually getting depressed. This notion is also strengthened by people, not in my case though, but I have seen women treating a woman who is single and fiercely successful as someone who probably has issues in life, maybe she still loves someone, maybe she is escaping her loneliness  maybe she is depressed and what not. So, clearly I was suspecting and experiencing all this in me too. But now, finally I figured. It is not that.
Being alone is a lovely feeling. You don't need a man in life who will waste your time, to understand your importance. You don't need to be called beautiful or busty by a man to actually accept yourself. I might still be hanging between the Feminist and the Female, but I believe that women around me, who complete my being without ANY lame expectation are one of the building blocks of my disposition. And how I love them.
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