FOCUS.
I tell myself, continuously There are ways in which things are done, a path I have set out for them to follow and a set of rules they should follow. There are things and emotions I have decided are weak, and there are relationships I have dismissed and kept aside and let better things take center. 'Better things', my ambitions, my expectations. I tell myself what a waste of time it is: Conversations, telling and asking, talking and speaking to understand the other person. Someone new (I very specifically mean 'men' here, otherwise I love conversations), you make them old and then they stay. They give you a strange happiness, you feel peace and you cherish them. But then the threat comes along. You meet someone, talk to them, you follow your path, you show them what you want them to see and slowly you start deviating. I stood then and talked to myself, useless relationships, useless burdens, wait and talk..wait to talk and then waste time. I have so much to do, I cannot spend time on building something all over again and then watch it burn. I distance myself and seek comfort.
Something happened this afternoon. I saw our pictures again, and that was foolish. I had told myself not to do that again, and was convinced of its meaninglessness. I didn't want to see myself indulging in useless and absolutely irrelevant thoughts or relationships. And then I find comfort some other place, in an ex-lover and a present friend (a little more actually). We share that peace I talked about, we talk, but not always. I show him everything that is new, and he shows me his new passions. We talk, we laugh and go to sleep. I love that. I am here for him, and he knows. So, I find a comfort in him and can spend my life with that. But then these other people and men around, never stop piling up. My wall, it doesn't remain very strong. I have someone to help with that too. I have my strength in my brothers, my pillars on which I lean on from the smallest scratch to the biggest disaster.
So, I wonder sometimes. Why this need? I found someone, someone else. And its frustrating my path, is not being followed and my rules, they are breaking bit by bit. Those rules are there for a reason, so that I remain focused and these stupid deviations don't consume time. I keep telling myself about what I expect and what I should be doing. And like House says, "You cannot be perfect at your work, if you have a happy family waiting at home." But its so tempting, this bait of Love and Other Drugs. The lovers around how, the sick happiness and all the things they do. It is very guiltily tempting. Think of being spooned, that's cute isn't it. The warmth of falling asleep like that, I actually fell asleep dreaming of that. Think of the laziness you can share with someone, and the benefits of having a companion to go with you everywhere. Getting food cooked for you, and then making love. Dry spell being a non-existent phenomena. If not these conventional things, then the expression of love, the sharing of thoughts and building little cities out of them. Dreaming and thinking and achieving. Artistically involved with someone you love, you can communicate yourself effortlessly and feel quenched. The entire idea of a companion.
It IS tempting ISN'T IT? You ponder on these silly temptations sometimes, I will call them my weak days. But then I gather myself thinking, that I'd rather buy another dog than be with a new man. I'd rather sleep alone, than to wake up to answer someone and I'd rather romance Gramsci and Hemingway instead of a parasitic companion who would cling to me, and seek repairing. I'd be happier with drugs and my woman, than with lots of love. And I can spend decades abusing the human kind and over ratedness of relationships with her, than stay awake at nights to blabber about how my day was over and over and over again. I'd rather trip alone and find my brothers to help, than keep leaning on to a man who will probably criticize me for carelessness. I'd rather find my comfort of a lifetime in my friend (a lil more than that) and innocent marriage pacts. And as for going EVERYwhere, I have lots of girlfriends to help me with that, and guide me along every twist and turn.
So, I FOCUS.
And I feel happy. Again.
I tell myself, continuously There are ways in which things are done, a path I have set out for them to follow and a set of rules they should follow. There are things and emotions I have decided are weak, and there are relationships I have dismissed and kept aside and let better things take center. 'Better things', my ambitions, my expectations. I tell myself what a waste of time it is: Conversations, telling and asking, talking and speaking to understand the other person. Someone new (I very specifically mean 'men' here, otherwise I love conversations), you make them old and then they stay. They give you a strange happiness, you feel peace and you cherish them. But then the threat comes along. You meet someone, talk to them, you follow your path, you show them what you want them to see and slowly you start deviating. I stood then and talked to myself, useless relationships, useless burdens, wait and talk..wait to talk and then waste time. I have so much to do, I cannot spend time on building something all over again and then watch it burn. I distance myself and seek comfort.
Something happened this afternoon. I saw our pictures again, and that was foolish. I had told myself not to do that again, and was convinced of its meaninglessness. I didn't want to see myself indulging in useless and absolutely irrelevant thoughts or relationships. And then I find comfort some other place, in an ex-lover and a present friend (a little more actually). We share that peace I talked about, we talk, but not always. I show him everything that is new, and he shows me his new passions. We talk, we laugh and go to sleep. I love that. I am here for him, and he knows. So, I find a comfort in him and can spend my life with that. But then these other people and men around, never stop piling up. My wall, it doesn't remain very strong. I have someone to help with that too. I have my strength in my brothers, my pillars on which I lean on from the smallest scratch to the biggest disaster.
So, I wonder sometimes. Why this need? I found someone, someone else. And its frustrating my path, is not being followed and my rules, they are breaking bit by bit. Those rules are there for a reason, so that I remain focused and these stupid deviations don't consume time. I keep telling myself about what I expect and what I should be doing. And like House says, "You cannot be perfect at your work, if you have a happy family waiting at home." But its so tempting, this bait of Love and Other Drugs. The lovers around how, the sick happiness and all the things they do. It is very guiltily tempting. Think of being spooned, that's cute isn't it. The warmth of falling asleep like that, I actually fell asleep dreaming of that. Think of the laziness you can share with someone, and the benefits of having a companion to go with you everywhere. Getting food cooked for you, and then making love. Dry spell being a non-existent phenomena. If not these conventional things, then the expression of love, the sharing of thoughts and building little cities out of them. Dreaming and thinking and achieving. Artistically involved with someone you love, you can communicate yourself effortlessly and feel quenched. The entire idea of a companion.
It IS tempting ISN'T IT? You ponder on these silly temptations sometimes, I will call them my weak days. But then I gather myself thinking, that I'd rather buy another dog than be with a new man. I'd rather sleep alone, than to wake up to answer someone and I'd rather romance Gramsci and Hemingway instead of a parasitic companion who would cling to me, and seek repairing. I'd be happier with drugs and my woman, than with lots of love. And I can spend decades abusing the human kind and over ratedness of relationships with her, than stay awake at nights to blabber about how my day was over and over and over again. I'd rather trip alone and find my brothers to help, than keep leaning on to a man who will probably criticize me for carelessness. I'd rather find my comfort of a lifetime in my friend (a lil more than that) and innocent marriage pacts. And as for going EVERYwhere, I have lots of girlfriends to help me with that, and guide me along every twist and turn.
So, I FOCUS.
And I feel happy. Again.
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